It’s Time for a Republican Sickout

Hello, Congressional Republicans who still care about the republic! I know you’re out there because I kept hearing how differently Trump’s cabinet confirmations would have gone if only the votes have been secret.

We have reached a crisis point. We have reached so many crisis points. We reached like three new crisis points between me starting and finishing this article.

We have flipped our foreign policy so radically that we are now the villain of the world. All decision on that end seems to have been handed over to Putin and a bunch of preening technofascists. Our economy is crashing toward a depression and the only trick the Trump Administration pony has is more insane tariffs. High-level cabinet members endangered the lives of our servicemembers by discussing classified information on the already-hacked Signal app, and that doesn’t even cover gloating over civilian deaths, adding a journalist to the group text, and further damaging our relationship with Europe. The Trump administration is trying to start wars with freaking Denmark and Canada. DENMARK AND CANADA, for chrissakes.

And the most insane thing is that this is an abridged list. There are paragraphs and paragraphs of human rights horrors that I have skipped.

This is it. You are a part of an authoritarian government, a twisted and vile parody of what we once had. Elon Musk is stripping it for parts and awarding himself lucrative contracts while Donald Trump threatens Republican judges and lobs all of our state secrets straight to Putin.

The window for stopping this is small and vanishing. The most patriotic thing you could do is stand up and impeach Donald Trump, but, whether it’s due to a fear of Trump or fear of his zealots, you’re not doing that. The second most patriotic thing you could do is resign and leave your seat open to a flip by the Democrats. But you don’t seem to be doing that either. So here it is: The third most patriotic thing you can do, your last option for saving your beloved country from falling completely into authoritarianism: Get sick.

Get terribly sick and refuse to discuss your personal health information during this challenging time. Or get just a little bit sick and keep insisting that you’ll be as right as rain in a week or two. Have a family emergency. Or just take some dearly needed personal time.

Just drop out for a while. Hole up at home or get out of the country if you need to and let some trusted Democrats know that they’ll have the majority for a while and the time and leeway to move. (BE SURE YOU KNOW WHO IS ON THE SIGNAL CHAT.)

But what if someone is blackmailing me?

No offense, but this is bigger than you. Putin wants to break the United States. And he wants to break the United States so that he can roll over Western Europe. Do you really want to go to your grave knowing that you held onto your secret at the expense of Permanent Global Fascism? For that matter, do you really think complying now will stop them from burning you with it when you become inconvenient later?

Let’s be honest: A lot of us are already kind of assuming that you’re being blackmailed. And the fact that you’ve abandonedyour principles when the stakes are so high is making people think that the thing you’re being blackmailed over is much worse than what it probably really is. If Matt Gaetz can brazen it out, what on earth must you be hiding?

The good news is that there is nothing better for blowing your blackmail material straight out of the news cycle than a fiery Presidential impeachment that the nation can’t stop watching. There’s no better time to get out from under someone’s thumb.

But if the Democrats are smart, they’ll remove Johnson and prosecute Vance for the Signal debacle. That means a Democratic President will be in. I’ll lose some of my own power. What about that?

More real talk: Donald Trump has screwed the Republican party’s chances for decades at a minimum. You are now the party that let the Nazis in. You are the party that closed the national parks and tried to put Grandma out on the street. You are the party that kneecapped scientific research right when it looked like there might be a cure for pancreatic cancer. You are the party that crashed the stock market, the party that made us hated by the world, the party that let Musk and Putin take the reins. You are the party that just came out as pro-measles and made room for polio. The Republican Party is going the way of the Know-Nothings. You’re going to have to scrap it and start over.

And that’s if we ever have real elections again.

The only hope of you, personally, ever coming back into power is if Trump gets impeached and you become a zealous reformer. Toss out everyone who helped Trump, Musk, Thiel and Putin, support real jail time, and legislate us back out of Citizens United. Throw the bastards out and keep on throwing or you are surely getting tossed out yourself.

You can start right now, of course. That would be ideal. But you can also start after you take a little break to let the Democrats get the ball rolling.

Can’t I just keep my head down and appease Trump until things are magically better?

No. If you have read this far instead of screaming about George Soros and fake Venezuelan gang members, you are a Republican who thoughtcrimes against Trump. He and his barrel of vipers who the nonbelievers are. You won’t make it.

Fascists always need a villain to rail against. They always have a list. It is not a question of whether you are on the list, it’s a question of how far down you are. Right now, it’s foreign students and random brown people with innocent tattoos, but Trump is going to crave new meat and fresh news stories soon. You know that he needs to ritually humiliate and cast out a Republican every so often to reassert his dominance. You’re higher up the list than you think.

And if we hit the era of No Real Elections, which is more likely every day, there is no way you are keeping your elected position. Only perfect toadying cult members will make it through, and there is no way you can tap dance fast enough to make up for the past.

Besides: Is “enthusiastic supporter of the fascist regime” the way you want your grandchildren to remember you?

If you aren’t moved by the idea of saving the democratic republic we’ve all grown fond of, think about the fact that your only path to staying in your elected office is to get Trump out of his, and your chance to do that is slipping away.

It’s time to come down with a severe but undefined and conveniently curable medical issue. Play hooky. Go AWOL. Bunk out. Chuck a sickie. But do it quickly.

If you can’t bring yourself to impeach Donald Trump, you need to get the hell out of the way so someone else can.

Image via Wikimedia Commons.